Take It or Leave It: Failure to Launch

Dear Take It Or Leave It,

My issue is one that I’m sure a lot of people can relate to. The spice is gone in my marriage, as cliché as it sounds. I am still madly in love with my wife, I just think we are in a rut, and kinda bored with each other. I’ve asked my friends and I’ve consulted the Internet and everything is so adamant about “get a karma sutra book” or “go on vacation.” I don’t that’s it for her and I. We need something else. Something that can kind of launch our love for our lives together again.

Please write back,

Sincerely,
Failure To Launch

Dear Failure to Launch,

Thank you so much for writing. I’ve taken a great amount of thought and reflection with your question because, as you’ve mentioned, it’s one that many people can relate to, and it’s not an easily fixed problem.

As a rule, both you and your wife should feel sexy, and that means feeling confident about your bodies. So, to start, if you don’t feel sexy when you look in the mirror, then I would recommend diet and exercise on a regular basis.

Now, I’m going to cut right to the meat of the issue. I have a theory. I want you to think about what originally attracted you to your wife. Chances are, she had a talent, a hobby, or perhaps a certain way in which she lived life that attracted you to her. Maybe she was a talented musician, or a poet. Perhaps she was an athlete, or was very involved in her religion. Whatever it was, both you and your wife had hobbies and interests before you met one another. They were interests that you engaged in separately, and they fulfilled you both on an individual level (this part is important). These interests and hobbies not only made you who you are today, not only filled you out as whole people, but they helped attract you to one another chemically.

Many times, when we enter long-term relationships, we become so comfortable with the relationship and feeling fulfilled by our partner, that we stop indulging in the things that helped us feel fulfilled when we were single. This can often include participating in those hobbies and interests that we once loved so much. We begin engaging in “couples” only hobbies, or we stop having time for our hobbies at all.

I believe that if you and your wife each choose an old hobby to dedicate yourself to and pick up again, to really have fun with, you’ll find a new passion not only for your own life, but also, for one another. How does this work if you’ve kept up on most of your hobbies? Try something new that you’ve always dreamed of trying, but never had the guts to try.

The basic idea, here, is that when you find yourself overly excited about life, you become a dynamic, sexy person, and the chemistry will hopefully pick back up. My hope is that if both you and your wife are interested in what you are doing with a new part of your life, you’ll find the original spark again.

I would like to also stress that it’s important for couples to spend quality time both together and apart. Not only will you grow a deep appreciation for your wife as you spend quality time away from her, but you’ll learn to appreciate your “me” time (or perhaps your time with your friends). Spending too much time together allows for co-dependency. Making sure to have time both together and separately, allows for a healthy and functioning relationship.

I hope this was somewhat helpful. I realize the answer to your question is not a simple one, nor is it easily fixed. My hope is that I was able to offer a different perspective, and perhaps one that could get you closer to that lovely spark once again.

Sincerely,
Kate

Ok bro,

I have one question to clear up here. Is this really just a “Failure to Launch” problem, because if it is this whole thing is on you, they have pills for that now so go buy some, or are you no longer attracted to your wife? And if you’re not attracted to your wife, I don’t get how you say you are still in love with her, at least romantically speaking. Because if that spark’s not there you don’t have a “relationship”, you have a best friend who happens to share a bed, roof, food and you’re having awkward sex with. That certainly doesn’t sound like happily ever after. In fact, it sounds like hell.

But what can you expect? You both probably went into this marriage wanting different things out of it. And I know what you’re gonna say “No, we weren’t different. We were on the same page! We understood each other like no one ever blah blah blah” The truth is that YOU probably didn’t know what you wanted when you were going into this, so how could she?

Besides when you were first together you were two star crossed lovers both bumming a ride on the chemical love train which you figured would go on forever. But guess what? It’s last stop and now you’re sitting on the bench at the end of the line getting your first sober look at that woman sitting next to you. The truth is, you probably don’t even know this person, because you have been too high on love chemicals this whole time. You couldn’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground.

I mean would you say you really know someone, let alone love them, after a night of heavy drinking? Because you have just come down from a what? Six month? One year? Two year? Five year chemical high, way stronger than any artificial buzz you have ever had. I mean god, those might be the most potent chemicals known to man… You couldn’t possibly know this woman.

But hey this is your first sober chance to try. So I don’t know,
maybe you can sit down and talk about shit. Get a hobby. Really find out who the hell this woman is and let her find out who you are. Maybe you will really like her, and maybe she will really like you. Maybe you will have one of those precious special marriages that truly works.

However, odds are one of you is going to want to get your fix. And that person is going to go looking for it somewhere else, or more likely in someone else. And if that person is you, don’t sweat it. Speaking from one addict to another, I get it, that’s how the cycle works. Just don’t expect this next one to end any differently.

But hey, what do I know? I’m just a cynical asshole right? I’m just some guy who writes for an online magazine right? Right. Well F.T.L this is one cynical asshole who is begging with you to go out and prove him wrong.

Always the optimist,

Will Powers

Looking for advice on an issue? Please send an anonymous letter to guerrillagraffitimagazine@gmail.com and Kate and Will will help you out!